Its been a while peeps, so I thought it was high time for a catch up on our favourite little boy.
Bertie had a 24 hour SATS monitor in October to see how his saturation levels were doing with his oxygen. The monitor drove me up the wall all night, I actually had flashbacks and thought I was in hospital again. I was half expecting the hubby to take my blood pressure and fluff up my pillows (Definitely dreaming).
The consultant reviewed Bertie’s numbers and agreed that he could come off the oxygen in the daytime but when he was in a deep sleep he dipped below a certain threshold that they have, and decided we needed to keep the oxygen on at night. Its been fantastic to finally see that little face without the prongs and ted stickers, and at night-time we have good old fashioned fisticuffs to grapple the prongs back on the little munchkin again, but as I type, we are doing a 48 hour monitor to see if we can finally take the O2 away at night too, so lets keep our fingers crossed.
Bertie also saw the Cardiologist who looked at Berties heart to check if the murmur was still there, and we were over the moon when we were told its all perfect! They think the murmur might of been his heart settling down and adjusting from the previous heart surgery, but everything is now as it should be, and that was just the best news ever.
The one area of concern for me is Bertie’s vocal chords. Whilst we are treated to his very soft dulcet tones he’s no Soprano ( Singer not Mafioso). Also, I have not had any giggles yet, but I could be plumping a bit early for them, I have to remember that Bertie’s corrected age is only 3 and a half months.
The Health Visitor is pretty chuffed with Berties progress too, he’s weighing in at 13lb 4oz! We are finally filling out the 3-6 months clothes, although some are still a little loose! She even said he was starting to look a little “chubby” which is not a word we would of associated with Bertie a few months ago.
We took our first little trip away as a family and headed up North, staying with family so Bertie could meet his cousin Ethan, and spend some time getting freaked out by Auntie Claudine. He also met his Great Granny for the first time in Oldham and she was treated to lots of smiles, I think he’s a sucker for the Northern twang.
We have more appointments for Bertie coming up with the dietician to talk about his feeding and specifically weaning, and also with the consultant about his vocal chords, so really hoping for in-depth conversations at these.
As the seasons change, and winter creeps in, whilst Bertie and I snuggle up in front of the wood burner, my mind has been drifting to Delphine. She is in my thoughts daily but lately more so as I plan celebrations such as Christmas and Bertie’s Christening.
There is a dull ache in my chest that started the moment she died. I think my heart actually broke that day in May as no matter what I do, I can’t shake this little pain that resides there tormenting me.
I long for her to be here, she has missed so much and we are only six months into our little adventure.
I am quite resolute that she always be included and remembered in everything we do as a family. She will be the brightest star at the top of our tree this year, and for every year after, having purchased a lovely star engraved in her memory and also personalised baubles for her and Bertie. I also bought her a little Christmas tree to place on her grave, so she doesn’t miss out on the festivities.
Sometimes I think being so fright-fully British we are completely naff at talking about our feelings, especially grief. I know it must be hard for people to talk to me about the twin I lost, but at the same time people, I had two babies. I don’t want her to be forgotten, her name brushed under the carpet like she didn’t exist. She fought for so long to stay alive in my womb when the odds were completely stacked against her, and then gave me nine precious days in this world to spend with her, I want to shout her name from the roof tops! She was amazing! She was a real little trooper! She showed me more bravery in nine days than some people show in a lifetime. She was my daughter…
Someone told me she was a little angel, sent from heaven to protect Bertie as he grew inside me, so I am honoured that I got to meet a real living angel here on Earth.
So don’t shy away from talking to me, don’t treat me any differently, don’t think you can’t talk about certain subjects, Im still ME, I’m still that ever so slightly deranged, clumsy, ditzy bird from Kent, albeit a somewhat bashed and bruised version of me.
As always, I will maintain composure and a British stiff upper lip, and then probably go and sob my heart out alone when no one else can see